As parents, our instinct is to protect and insulate kids in times of uncertainty. But sometimes this is impossible due to playground bullies, stress at home caused by sudden layoffs, cutthroat academics or sports — the list goes on. But what positive experiences do children need to be able to cope with these predictable difficulties?

Tufts Now spoke with pediatricians Dina Burstein, associate professor at Tufts University School of Medicine, and Robert Sege, professor at the School of Medicine, who both run the Healthy Outcomes from Positive Experiences (HOPE) National Resource Center. Based at Tufts Medical Center, HOPE creates frameworks to build positive childhood experiences through relationships, environment, engagement, and emotional growth. Research shows that these experiences promote lifelong health and well-being. 

They shared accessible, actionable ways for parents and caregivers to cultivate safety and routine in an unpredictable world.

Make sure your kids’ schedule reflects their interests, not yours.

In a competitive culture where achievement seems like the end goal, sometimes we lose sight of the purpose of kids’ activities. They become adult-directed, focused on resume-building instead of relaxation.

“Because we’re in a hyper-competitive society, kids are pushed to be extremely competitive in activities, which takes the fun and the child-directedness out of it,” Sege says.

When kids become competitive, overscheduled, and stressed, parents can counter this by prioritizing activities that spark discovery and self-direction.

“When kids play soccer or football, or run or sing, the goal is to develop healthy habits for life, whether it’s teamwork, exercise, or joy,” Sege says. “Very few children who play soccer become professional soccer players. Not everyone who sings can become a famous musician. It’s mostly for enjoyment and to develop lifelong healthy interests.”

Keep that in mind when signups roll around for soccer, music, or swim lessons. Does your child enjoy the activity, or are they participating out of obligation?

“The primary importance of kids doing sports and activities is not to necessarily get that college scholarship, but to feel connected to their peers and community. It teaches them not only how to win, but how to lose graciously,” Burstein says.

Restrict social media but keep the dialogue about it open. 

“I’m bored!” 

It’s a familiar refrain for many parents when their kids aren’t on screens. But physicians urge parents to restrict screen time — not only because the content can be damaging — but also because it supplants real-world skills, such as reading or talking to family and friends. 

Set attainable limits: We don’t use our screens before bed; we don’t use them at dinner.

At the same time, it’s important to accept that social media is a fact of modern childhood, and it’s crucial that kids feel that they can talk to parents about what they encounter online. Emphasize this when you set parameters. In fact, ask questions about what they’ve seen or heard, and underscore that the conversation is always open. 

“You want them to feel comfortable coming to you if they do see something upsetting or even potentially dangerous. It’s about setting limits but also establishing a relationship so a child knows they don’t need to be afraid of punishment if they come to you,” Burstein says.

Come from a place of curiosity. 

There are so many hateful characters online — as well as scary news items from the real world — and while it’s natural to want to protect your kids by warning them, lecturing might have the opposite effect. Rather than feeling safe and supported, they may feel overwhelmed or shut down. Instead, if your child does discuss what they’ve seen with you, come from a place of curiosity.

For example, “Can you tell me about this person? Why do you think he’s so popular and engaging? What did you see on the news today? What specifically is scaring you?”

“This can really be enlightening on both sides, and give you a chance to discuss [important topics] while being open and non-judgmental,” Burstein says. “This goes for all kinds of content,” whether it’s nefarious social media personalities or scary news stories. Sege added, “When the news features a disaster, help your children follow Mr. Rogers’s advice: Find the helpers. This helps them develop a sense of community.”

This positions you as an ally, not a narrow-minded enforcer.

Help kids find their people. 

Some kids might have a tough time fitting in at school or at extracurricular activities — and, the doctors say, all the counseling in the world might not boost their self-worth amid teasing or even bullying. 

Instead, it’s helpful to give kids an outlet where they do belong, whether it’s a club team, camp, or a hobby where they can connect with like-minded peers and re-affirm their identity.

“Summer camp is a classic example. You’re having a tough time in school. You go to summer camp; nobody from your school is there. You have a great time, and you learn at some level that it’s them, not you,” Sege says.

If your child is old enough to understand, it might be helpful to explain how bullies form. Often, they’re repeating behavior they see at home. It’s also instructive to share what can happen if their behavior doesn’t change. The doctors point out that bullies, who might seem to be at the top of the heap in adolescence, don’t do well in the long run. 

“Kids who are bullies have a terrible life trajectory in general. They’re much more likely to go to prison, much less likely to finish school, much less likely to sustain adult relationships, because the bullying behavior that makes you king of the hill when you’re in eighth grade doesn’t work once everyone else matures,” Sege says.

Keep perspective. 

A parent’s instinct is to protect a child: from teasing, from hurt, even from garden-variety exclusion or disappointments, like being cut from a team or left off a birthday party list. But, in some cases, it’s important to realize that disappointment is a character-building part of life. Buffering kids from every wound won’t pay off.

Let’s say your kid plays on a team where he’s not getting passed the ball. You might have the urge to intervene and talk to the coach. But as Sege explains, “Emotional growth happens from tough situations where you get through it. You develop a sense of yourself: ‘I’m a person who can survive.’ And if your child is really miserable, they’ll stop playing for that basketball team. We can’t shield kids from every disappointment.”

As a counterpoint, it’s important to expose kids to positive, self-esteem-building experiences whenever possible, especially in a world where bad behavior is sometimes glorified and normalized, the doctors say. Emphasize strengths outside their normal routines. Seek out low-pressure communities, whether it’s a local rec league or a Dungeons & Dragons hobby group.

“Parents have to always reinforce their values. Make sure that you’re giving them opportunities for key positive experiences to build their resilience as much as possible,” Burstein says.

Be transparent. 

Depending on your child’s age, it’s also important to model transparency and honesty. It’s OK to be human and to share some of your fears. The key component is modeling self-care at the same time — by taking time out to see a friend, to go for a walk, to engage with a hobby, to burn off steam. This shows kids that worrying is normal, and so is taking a break. You might say, “I’ve had a tough day, so I’m going to go for a walk.”

Transparency offers another benefit, too. It absolves kids of potential guilt if they sense a parent’s stress.

“Children are egocentric. If they see a parent in a bad mood, they’re going to think: ‘What did I do?’ This is developmentally normal. Explaining some of the sources of stress can actually alleviate anxiety for the kids,” says Sege. “You might be concerned about your job, but your kid is concerned about: ‘Why is mom mad at me?’”

“Explain why you’re feeling stressed, and, if possible, what you’re doing about it, and why you might be optimistic. More importantly, reassure your child that their life is going to continue as normally as possible. If you’re thinking you might lose your job, you can say: ‘Well, we may have to move, but we love each other, we’ll take care of you — and your life is going to be OK,’” he adds.

Make time for joy. 

We live in uncertain times, and it’s challenging for parents to build a child’s resilience if they’re privately frazzled over finances, job security, and more. 

But togetherness is free, attainable, and an antidote to stress. 

“Take some time out: go for a run, sing a song, play cards. Having fun, laughing, giggling, is important. It can happen, even in times of stress,” Sege says.